It’s Christmas Today -a poem from 2012

Dear readers,

I would like to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy and hopeful new year.

I would like to take this opportunity to share a poem I wrote and share every single year on Christmas, just because it means a lot to me. I wrote it in times of agony and distress.

A lot has changed in the past 4 years, but still, this poem brings me back to those old times of desolation.

It’s Christmas today
There should be snow
There should be peace
harmony
and love.

Where is our great friend Santa?
coming from the far away land
to give us what we want
and what we need?

Where is our old and dear friend
Jesus Christ?
Who once came from the dead,
and promised to save our souls?
He is old enough now to keep his promises,
right?

Where is that day?
the twenty fifth of December,
that used to carry our jolliest dreams?

Where are our dreams?
Are they still lost in the fountain of time?
Or are they still stuck in our surrendered souls?

Where are our hopes, faith and passion?

It’s Christmas today.
No one wishes to be alone
yet no one wishes to be with the beloved ones.
There are no beloved ones.
We are alone…

It’s the end of our time.
The end of our eternity.
A new Millennium is to be born,
And our great Lord knows what it carries.

On this Christmas day,
We will leave our lands,
and join our enemies.

On this Christmas day,
we will leave our hopes and dreams
to join our godforsaken fate.

December 25th 2012

Unsent Letters

We all carry a package filled with feelings. Whenever we meet a certain person, fall in love, or even just like a person; romantically or platonically. Sometimes, even at work, or at school, or anywhere, we meet people, we build a certain kind of friendship, relationship or even hostility towards or with any certain person. We carry feelings: of hatred, disgust, disappointment, friendship, admiration, compassion, love, heartbreak, etc.

Sometimes, we fail to tell people how we feel. We find ourselves tongue tied, embarrassed, shy, afraid, or even angry, and we think of avoiding doing to do anything irrational.

We are unable to show them how we feel.

For my defense, I always say how I feel. At the exact moment, after a short while, or even after a very long while.
I’m old fashioned, I write letters. Pages of feelings, thoughts, and ramblings.
I send those letters, mostly via e-mail. And I wait…
For a response, understanding, compassion… or simply nothing.

I reached a stage where I can no longer say what I feel. Especially after considering the consequences. The fear of rejection,to be misunderstood, to be pitied, or even he fear of knowing the truth.

I end up writing letters, many letters, in my head, in my journal, in my “Drafts” e-mail folder, on papers, in my poems, on my blog, on my phone, anywhere, and I never send them. They’re never delivered. And that specific person I had my heart to utter, never received a word from me.

It’s like having the ability to sing, yet I’m too stage frightened I can never even dare to go up the stage and sing the music I love.

It’s scary… to keep those unsent letters. But I made a folder, in my head, to save all of them. And never ever having the courage to send them.

They will be part of my memory. My journal. I’ll look at them in ten years, and I’ll either delete them for good, burn them, or just just contemplate whether it’s too late to send them, at last.

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The love song of J. Asshole Profuck

Let us go then you and I
Where we left our hopes and dreams
getting drunk in that local bar
a friendly one, like most of them,
made us lose our conscious.

We can go outside and praise the sun
we can go to bed and forget the day
Yet, you need to wake up early
To leave me in peace
With my toys and all of my paint

You go out each night
To fuck around like a whore living in a park
You live in your own red light district
And then you drag me with you
Believing I belong to the darkness of your streets.

If I have to drink again
It will be without you
Provoking you to lie to me again
And again
Until your lies become my own reality
And your own as well.

The more you lie and make up things
You create our own reality
Filled with lies and dreams
Believing we belong together…
But the only place we belong together
is the one-night-stands
(all of them)
you imagine you had with me.

And indeed there will be time
to lie more and create
a world where you live in love
and passion
There will be time and there will be time
you will constantly say
until you realize that you have only said
there is no fucking time
for us to meet and clear everything
between us.

There will be time for me
to ask a question I never dared to ask
Do
I
Dare disturb your world again?
And I will.
I will disturb you till the end
because I’m obsessed
with everything you had with me
and everything I thought would happen.

You held my hands and said
“you’re beautiful.”
While we both know I looked pale
and wretched that night.

Yet, I believed you saw through me
and that beauty is what you,
and you alone,
can see.

But indeed there will be time
to believe again
and dream again and again
that you died and had finally gone.
There will be time
to live again and be content
far away from you.

May, 2016

(some phrases in the poem and even the title are based on/inspired by expressions from The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock. by T.S. Eliot.)

 

Dignity – Arwa

A short story I wrote three years ago. It’s amazing how things become relevant after three years, and even more real.
It needs rewriting of course.

Straketch

© shudder-stock.deviantart © shudder-stock.deviantart

She sat in darkness looking at his frail body. He was still unconscious. He looked so miserable and faint. His face was calm but weak. If he woke up he won’t be able to move, he was tied all together. She had to tie him very carefully and make sure he wouldn’t fight or hurt her when he would wake up. She looked at his naked body, it wasn’t as attractive as it was before, but all these images were in her head. His body looked incredibly feeble and lacked all beauty and charm. Or maybe, she only convinced herself that he looked pathetic, after all, at the moment, she had too much of hate inside her.

She thought her actions were insane, for she had no right to tie him down and torture him. She should have been obedient, keep away from him, and forget him for…

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قصة حيفا ترويها شواهدها

شعر كتبه صديقي العزيز الشّاعر والكاتب والصّحفي شاهين نصّار
شعر عن مدينة حيفا، لمن عرفها وسكن بها، عرف قيمتها
a poem written by m y dear friend, the poet, writer and journalist Shahin Nassar. A poem about Haifa, the city that only those who know it(her) and lived in it (her) knows how much it is worth.

مش عادي

في حيفا قصص كثيرة يحاكيها الزمان 

وروايات أخرى مخفية عن الأعيان

هناك حكايا مخبأة بين الأزقة والجدران

إنها لمدينة يعجب لها القادم من أي مكان

في حيفا، حدائق معلقة أنماها إنسان

جنة على الأرض ملأها الحنان

ويقين أنها كونية في كل زمان

لكن في مقابرها تخفي شجن

على ماضٍ كان لها مرصوص البنيان

ومجد تليدٍ يولد من قلب الدمار

  • * * * * *

شواهد حيفا تحكي أحداثا لا تعرف البدء

والنكبة لم تضع لها حدا ولا إنتهاء

تقصّ على مرآى العابرين منها افتراء

النظام السياسي الجديد الذي حطّ وسط الصحراء

بمعايير عصرنا شواهد قلّة قبل الاجتراء

ورغم شحّتهم، يزهو فيها الأبطال الشهداء

وعميدهم القسّام في بلد الشيخ يأبى الدمار

  • * * * * *

هناك لن يبكي الطفل على جد الجدِّ

ولن يعثر الباحث عن أسلافه بجدِّ

على إجابة عمّا حلّ بمصير الأعيادِ

ومع ذلك، قد يجد هناك من يشهدِ

على ازدهارٍ نما من قلب الدمار

  • * * *…

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Stop Asking

How dare you question anything? How dare you believe others over your own original beliefs?

How dare you question the people who raised you and taught you how to live? How dare you think on your own?

You’re human, you’re not allowed to think. You’re not allowed to question anything. You’re only allowed to eat, drink and follow the rules.

If you want to stop being human and become a devil, go ahead, become that devil we all feared you’d become. We’ll try to stop you of course, we’ll try to burn you or bring you back to the right track. Otherwise, the supreme being, the ultimate power, the God Almighty will be the one who will punish you.

We’ll be rewarded of course, because we’re trying our best to stop you. We’ll be even more rewarded if we succeed, and yes, we will.

So please stop. Stop this devilish act, and become a good human like us.

We’ll all lead you to the right path and make a better human being out of you. You’ll get everything you ever wanted. Everything you ever dreamed of. You’ll get it all. But you have to stop questioning, you have to stop asking. You have to stop thinking.

 

July 2015

 

 

One after another

Here it goes again
one lie after the other
And here they go again,
every single feeling I have left.

Just by walking down the street,
I see your lies,
in an empty carousel.
The history of only five years,
flashing in front my eyes,
in just a mere moment.
Those five years felt like only five weeks.
Of complete agony.

Here it goes again,
another feeling of betrayal.
Another feeling of ridicule
and ignorance.

Here it goes again,
another moment,
of complete emptiness.
Worthless words,
pointless plans.
Vanished
within your hollow bosom.

Here it goes again,
one lie after another,
covered with your illusory affections.

And here I lie again,
ready to forgive and forget,
like I’ve done repeatedly before.
Risking another chance
to be real with myself
and finally move on.

 

April 8, 2016

In Comparison… to others

We tends to compare our lives to other people around us, or people we just see on the streets. And though sometimes it is a good way to be inspired, and aim for higher goals, better lifestyle, or any other thing, sometimes we should take a step back, ignore what’s going around us, and appreciate what we have. Or appreciate whom we have become.

Though we do that unconsciously, we compare ourselves, or lives, we forget that we have is precious, and what we have is what we deserve. If we keep aiming for what others have, simply because it’s different, or looks fancier on the outside, we will lose the essence of the beauty we have made inside our homes, our wardrobes, and even our minds.

If I had a nickle for every time I was jealous of someone I know, I would be a millionaire, a millionaire who wants someone else’s life.

And we girls, we see our faults while looking at others: “She’s skinnier” “She’s prettier” “She’s nicer” “Smarter” “more successful” “she has more friends” Etc. It never stops. We live in a comparison. We only feel better about ourselves if the result of the comparison is to our benefit.

And that kills us.

On Friendship

Friendship will always be part of us, humans, we grow up on friendship, we live, grow old and die on/with it.

Friendship is a concept that many of us has failed to comprehend, or to grasp. And yet, most of us think we know what it is. We seldom succeed in appreciating it, or appreciating what we have. We try to look for friendship at the wrong places, on the wrong contents, and we end up all alone.

We live years trying to find ourselves, and we think we’re way too lonely to see what we can do, and eventually we settle for what we have, and loneliness comes again, this time stronger than before.

When we finally find our perfect soulmates, our own pick friends, we feel happy for a moment, and we realize that friendship isn’t randomly or selectively picked, it is found. Found in the corners of our hopes, our dreams, our sorrows, even our loneliness.

We’re not alone as long as we have the right people to spend our times with, laugh with, cry with and share our deepest darkest secrets. True friends judge, but not so superficially, some don’t judge, not because they don’t care, but because they trust you. Other friends just want you to be happy, sometimes to be sad to be yet ever so happy again, to the fullest.

I’m not a person with so many friends, mainly I cannot rely on many, I cannot trust many, and I cannot afford superficial friendship of “Hello, have a drink, and goodbye.”

My true friends are my family, my home, people I come home to, feel their warmth around me, in the darkest and the brightest of moments, and sometimes in between. And I’m grateful, I would never want to be apart from them, because they are family. They are my friends.

And here is what Gibran has to say about that:

“Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.

When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the “nay” in your own mind, nor do you withhold the “ay.”
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.”

By Gibran Khalil Gibran. Source: http://www.katsandogz.com/onfriends.html

When you cling to the past

It is indeed advisable to get to the core of things, have a small journey to the past and understand the reasons. This journey is designed to make us read the sensible letters behind our daily decisions, and our new mistakes.

The past designs us and our lives, it leaves us with marks and scars to know what we are and what we have gone through. It shows us the war we have gone through, the war inside us, and the war around us. It leaves us injured seeking for help, and surely it shows us how much we have to pay for our treatments.

It is the past that gives us pleasure and pain, it connects our present and future in a circle that grows as time goes by. Sometimes this circle shrinks and leaves us empty. It closes and leaves us trapped, smothered, unable to think, question and observe.

The past is gone. It no longer exists. It ceases to exist after you take the other breath that follows. After that moment you decide to wake up and carry on with your day, and the following days. That is one theory, or the only theory you should follow.

 

But then again, we do take pleasure, and receive some pain when clinging to the past. We go on that journey to the past, we dive deeper than we thought we could, and we never stop. We cling to the past as if it’s our only future, we cling to it and we never let go. We suffer and we never give up. The past becomes our future, it becomes part of who we are and what we’ll become. It becomes us. We live the past again, and we keep living it, we live in it as it goes in a loop, and it never ends. The past becomes our present and future, and it becomes us.

 

My Road to Honesty

Yes, sometimes I lie. Sometimes I hide my feelings ans thoughts. Sometimes I have to make a living out of lying and pretending I’m someone else. We’re all humans after all, we’ve been raised on lies and we’ve been lying ever since we started communicating.

Over the last few years, I decided to treasure honesty more than any other value I know. I started to look at honesty as part of discovering and meditating the self. I still lie to people and still hide my inner self and the outer self to everyone. I wear make up from time to time, I wear scarves and leaves to hide my scars, I even wear shades to hide my tears.

I decided to start being honest with myself and the rest follows (will eventually follow).Every time I have a serious conversation with myself, I say the whole truth, I talk about my real fears and my real agonies. I talk directly from the heart and from the drunken mind. Every time I speak to my friends, I think of the truth, the honesty I’m going to talk with and use as a serious weapon. Sometimes I cannot use these weapons, but I can try.

With other people, being honest is one of the most difficult challenges. With the self, it’s one of the scariest challenges. Once you open up to yourself, you’ll get used to it. Sometimes I have use all of my inner powers, and dig deep into my thoughts to find the key to the most honest story to tell my self.

When I’m with people, I don’t have to dig deep. I just need to focus on the truth that hurts and the one that doesn’t. I have to evaluate the thoughts, and mostly be creative. But I try. And I can try more.

Take one of the last topics I wrote about on this blog, he one about Ramadan. It took me a while thinking about publishing or not publishing it. It came with an aggressive and disrespectful tone that I’m not proud of. But it was all about my honest opinion and I need to share my honest opinion. It was the truth behind my thoughts. And I shouldn’t be ashamed of them. If someone can’t handle this kind of truth then there’s nothing I can do except try to become the respectful person I try to be.

How to be respectful and honest at the same time? that is the challenge. How to be honest and protect others, and mostly protect the self?

With honesty comes great responsibility. With honest comes consequences I cannot deal with. And thus I try to be honest, at least with myself, and the rest will indeed follow, but a bit by bit, not all at once, and not always complete.

When She (Lilith) Took Me by Surprise

I must confess I was sitting idle at that time

My interest lied in the smallest of matters

Until that call I received

About a character I haven’t truly met

It took me by surprise.

To get to know her

To explore her reality

To acknowledge her beauty

And many talents

I find her in myself

And I find her in them all.

Though she took me by surprise.

She scared my bones

She made me doubt

Whether she and I will ever be close.

She took me by surprise

To get to know her

To know her lovely

Yet wicked face

She smiled to me

And I knew she’s pure…

Evil, good, liberated, and passionate,

She is even rebellious and outrageous.

Maybe she’s in love

And I have to endure it,

Be with her till the end.

Oh boy, she took me by surprise.

This woman….

She was the first

As some of the legends say.

She might even remain the last.

She was hardly known or remembered…

And that is a shock indeed

As she scared me more than me.

July 13th, 2015