A blog post (somehow personal)

It’s been awhile since I last posted anything in this blog. I have been neglecting my writing, and this explains why my writing is poor.

I’ve been going through a lot in the past few months that I’m contemplating whether I should share them in my blog. I haven’t been doing well when it comes to sharing private experience in public.I feel that this makes me feel weak.

Today is the international day of women. It’s the day of people’s greetings, and the pretentious statuses on Facebook (I did share one status two years ago, just to provoke some people around me including my mother). Regardless, what do women do today? Really? Write about injustice and chauvinism? Shouldn’t we talk about that all the time?

It’s like people forget there’s misjustice against women (and many other people,nations, animals, etc), and on a specific day alone, they start pretending to fight.

Why do I feel that I need to get myself out of all these places? Maybe I do need to log off the social media and start a life without the internet. But in doing so, I will lose access and exposure to all kind of programs, job opportunities and important events. This might sound ridiculous, but without Facebook, I wouldn’t be able to join the Scrip writing workshop, and I won’t be able to find a job as a research assistant and a director assistant. Other than that, I wouldn’t mind logging off Facebook. And no, I don’t have many connections outside of the social media to keep me posted on any kind of social and cultural events in town.

On another personal matter, I’m completely lost. I find myself wandering through my thoughts, and then still wondering why I can’t be more stable in my life.

The past few months haven’t been treating me well. I moved to a new apartment to endure the life with a roommate, and within two days I lost my job. With all honesty I can say I was having a dead-end job that meant nothing to me, but at least I was doing a good job, I had my own office, team and a decent salary at the end of the month that helped me live on my own, buy nice stuff, travel and save money at the same time. I was content.

Now I have no source of income, I have no source of direction, and I have no idea what I should be doing in order to gain control over my life. And all of my surroundings do not help me. No one cares, they all want me to find a job as soon as possible, and not any job, a stable job that I can be stuck at it for the rest of my life. Or maybe it’s just my mother. I do need a break from her. Everytime I go home, we fight, over and over. I can’t hold my temper when someone is pressuring me to do anything I can’t do. It’s the same with the obsessed-with-keeping-things-cleaned housemate, I can’t live in a place where I have to keep worrying about cleaning, and making sure everything is clean all the fucking time.

Today, late afternoon, I went to the University, which I haven’t been at for over four to five years. I must confess I was anxious. I was anxious to go to the university. Can you believe that? It’s has been years. But I would never go that far to the campus of the University of Haifa (though I live in the same city, the bus ride is extremely long), while having no business there.

I was invited for an introduction meeting for a new programme – a graduate programme for the theatre department. It’s a new programme and they’re introducing it to the Alumni of the theatre department. It was somehow interesting, it’s the first time they’re opening a graduate programme for the theatre department. Though I love this field of theatre, I found the programme unrelated to my future research field. I swore to myself that if I have to study anything in the future, it has to be inspiring and extremely, over-the-top interesting to me, or otherwise I would find it challenging, demanding and I will complain endlessly.

After the meeting I took a walk, a tour, at the university. It had been my home for four years, and I haven’t seen it in forever (five years are like forever to me). It was getting dark, but I enjoyed my walk in my favorite spots, including the library. Every spot brought me back to some memories, and flashbacks: some of them painful and ridiculous, the others are cheerful and nostalgic.

During my small tour, and on my way home, I thought about the new programme, and I thought about my other plans for my future studies. Even though everyone recommends studying abroad, I know I can’t afford it, and I don’t think I’m ready for any kind of scholarship. Getting a scholarship abroad requires more than I can offer, especially when I’m not quite certain about the field in question, and it means I won’t be able to work while studying.

Last year I thought about graduate studies in Films and Television. I thought if I can join this field, I can get into the whole movie business. But I spoke to my cousin (who is an Alumnus), and she advised against it. She said that if I want to learn film making, I have to force myself in the field itself, actively, rather than go to the university to study it.

Another graduate programme I’ve been thinking about for years is English Literature. I already have a BA in English Literature (combined with Theatre), and I enjoyed doing it,studying it, exploring it, and somehow excelling at it.

I wasted my time doing my teaching certificate for English, and for what? To teach? I don’t even want to be a teacher, at least not in schools. I must confess I do feel fulfilled while teaching, and I’ve tried teaching many times in my past. I would pursue it, but not in fucking schools. I simply hate going to school. Even as a teacher.

I would though consider teaching in the academy. It’s fascinating and challenging to teach something I absolutely love, and the more I think about it, I do love English Literature. I do enjoy researching literature: researching the psychological, philosophical and the historical aspects of the literary texts. Career wise, MA in English literature might lead to Ph.D, and that is lecturing at Universities. Or I can simply enjoy the benefit of having the opportunity to study English Literature further than just in BA.

I have few months to think about and apply.

In the meantime, I can continue working in the theatre, if the circumstances allow. And maybe I can try working in films as well, hoping that won’t jeopardize my near future studies.

I started writing this entry at the beginning of the day. I was frustrated, confused and anxious. My tour on campus today was therapeutic, and it led me think about my possibilities for next year, or the near future. It indeed helps taking a walk, going on a journey to the past. My journey, through the walls of the University, and the between the shelves of the library, made me think about my past experience, and my future experience, which contains more light than I imagined.

 

—- This is my first long post, and my first post about my private life. I usually write about my private life and feelings through poetry.

Poetry is life ☘

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From the Dead Poets Society.

Photo Collage from  wallflowerbloom (found on The FB page Book Mania)

On Love – Al Saher&Gibran

I watched it few weeks ago on TV and I’ve forgotten to share it on my blog. This is just way too beautiful.

The text by the great Lebanese Poet/writer Gibran Khalil Gibran (source):

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God.”
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

After 80+ years – he was right

Today is Aldous Huxley’s 121 birthday, the author of the great masterpiece Brave New World. Has he lived to this day he would have seen his prediction coming to action.

Huxley’s Brave New World is one of the eye-opening genius work of all times. Huxley predicted the downward world and society as it has become these days,

If more people read this classic novel, they would perhaps think about taking actions to save our only world from collapsing into one dictatorship that rules the world and makes people as machines, in every aspect: socially, mentally, emotionally, physically and certainly sexually,

 

One of the interviews:

 

Comparison between his work and the great master piece Nineteen Eight-Four by one of his students George Orwell.

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Quote

“As it is, we are merely bolting our lives—gulping down undigested experiences as fast as we can stuff them in—because awareness of our own existence is so superficial and so narrow that nothing seems to us more boring than simple being.  If I ask you what you did, saw, heard, smelled, touched and tasted yesterday, I am likely to get nothing more than the thin, sketchy outline of the few things that you noticed, and of those only what you thought worth remembering. Is it surprising that an existence so experienced seems so empty and bare that its hunger for an infinite future is insatiable? But suppose you could answer, “It would take me forever to tell you, and I am much too interested in what’s happening now.” How is it possible that a being with such sensitive jewels as the eyes, such enchanted musical instruments as the ears, and such a fabulous arabesque of nerves as the brain can experience itself as anything less than a god? And, when you consider that this incalculably subtle organism is inseparable from the still more marvelous patterns of its environment—from the minutest electrical designs to the whole company of the galaxies—how is it conceivable that this incarnation of all eternity can be bored with being?”

~ Alan Watts, The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are

Outlander

OUT-Elevated_20131004_NB-0645.jpgI did not have the chance to read the book but I started watching the series “Outlander”. I personally love it and would highly recommend it to anyone who loves watching/reading stories about history/period, powerful/smart women, resistance, freedom, and time travelling.

The series follows an English woman trying to escape the 1740s Scotland back to her husband and her reality in the 1940s. I find it magical.

I would like to draw your attention to the opening credits song:

Lyrics:

Sing me a song of a lass that is gone,
Say, could that lass be I?
Merry of soul she sailed on a day
Over the sea to Skye.

Billow and breeze, islands and seas,
Mountains of rain and sun,

All that was good, all that was fair,
All that was me is gone.

Sing me a song of a lass that is gone,
Say, could that lass be I?
Merry of soul she sailed on a day
Over the sea to Skye.

To Our Countries – لبلادي

Music and prose that brought me to tears.

English subtitles are included.

 

We sing and we speak for our countries,
for our lands, for our people, dreams and love.

We sing and speak for our enemies,
who slaughtered us and deprived us from our dignity.

And we live. With those songs and words.

Birthday cake

My early birthday cake
My early birthday cake

I just thought of sharing this photo of the cake I had 3 days before my birthday.

I’m turning 25 on Monday. I still haven’t done any of the things I was supposed to do before the age of 25. It’s 25, it’s not 15, it’s not 18, hell, it’s not even 20 or 22. It’s 25. Before you know it, I’ll be 30 or 35… and nothing.

But for my 25th birthday I get to have a Potter cake. Have been part of this fandom ever since I was 12 or 13.

Auden on Austen

There is one other author in my pack:
For some time I debated which to write to.
Which would be least likely to send my letter back?
But I decided I’d give a fright to
Jane Austen if I wrote when I had no right to,
and share in her contempt the dreadful fates
Of Crawford, Musgrave, and Mr. Yates.

You could not shock her more than she shocks me;
Besides her Joyce seems innocent as grass.
It makes me uncomfortable to see
An English spinster of the middle class
Describe the amorous effects of `brass’,
Reveal so frankly and with such sobriety
The economic basis of society.

W. H. Auden – Extracts from Letter to Lord Byron, one of his long poems, first published in 1936.

The Fault in Our Stars

“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, But in ourselves, that we are underlings.”  Julius Caesar (I, ii, 140-141)

I just opened my kindle to check the highlights and the notes I had for the novel The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. It turns out I read the book more than a year ago, and I can’t remember every single detail of the book, but I remember liking it a lot.

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I just saw the film today and I loved it. The thing about this novel and film that it does not follow the pattern of cancer stories with all these cliches about being ill and asking people to feel sorry for you and all that cheesy romance between teenagers. This story is somehow realistic and it deals with real questions of life and death, as seen through the young generation that is dying from cancer.

This post is not an actual book/film review. Just watch the movie and see for yourself. And besides, in the movie they go to Amsterdam – one of my favorite places in the world, I’d kill to go there again.

Everyone’s a looney

What I reckon: is everyone’s a loony. However normal anyone seems, deep down inside they’re actually mental, every single person in the world and the whole of your life you have to learn not to seem mental to other people, who are all mental, too. Deep down you speak this different language — you talk in a loony language which doesn’t talk in your voice, I don’t know. Maybe it screams really loudly or something. I mean we’re all born mental aren’t we? If you think how babies act — we really don’t stop being like that. Everyone wants to scream loudly, and grab things without asking and break them, but it’s not allowed is it? So what you have to have is a kind of anti-mental translator-device, which translates all your mentalness into normal speech — and you’ve got to learn to use it, and it’s got to be working properly — or you get found out for being a loony.

 

– The Department of Nothing by Colin Firth, from the short story collection Speaking with the Angel

Being told what to read

We all take pleasure in recommending a book or two. We enjoy reading about book recommendations on the internet, in a magazine or newspaper. We eagerly open our ears to hear and we then read about new releases, then run and read the book ourselves. We take each page in a time, we get all emotions out, we read, we take breaks, we contemplate, we discuss… that’s how we live. That’s how things work, at least in our world.

Some people might notice how I activate every muscle in my system to talk about a book and recommend it, to anyone (even those who do not understand the pleasure in reading. I love recommending books to my friends, but with all honesty I must confess I hate it when they recommend me some books. I hate it even more when they tell me “you should read this and that.”

I’m a bookworm, or I used to be. I love reading. Books are my joy.  In them I find my rapture. I breathe them to survive. Whether they’re electronic or on paper, I love them. They give me joy.

I cannot simply understand why I refuse to be told what to read. Is it because I find myself surrounded by books  I cannot find time for? or is it by believing that I am the only person to recommend books for my own self. I find what people read and I take that as a recommendation, but if they tell me “read it”, would I actually read it?

Books are for me. And I am for my books. I read them because I want to, because I need to. Not because I was told to do so.

Why am I being stubborn? I will read them, after all.