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When a door closes _

I’m not usually an optimistic person, I’m very pessimistic and I complain most of the time. But throughout the years I’ve learned that many things don’t work out as we plan, and yet we shouldn’t lose hope. When things don’t work out as we plan them, or imagine them, they don’t turn out necessarily better. In many situations we learn how to deal with them better, and we become better than before. It’s not always the case, but things aren’t exactly fair, and we don’t live in an idealistic world.

This year started our horribly and nicely at the same time. First of all, in January I moved to a new lovely apartment with my very good friend. Though not the most fabulous, I’m enjoying the current living and the apartment is extremely comfortable and nice. Living in our current apartment was a beautiful beginning for which I’m still excited.

The minute I moved to the new lovely apartment, I lost my job. For many reasons that had nothing to do with my work performance. When lost my dead-end job I became confused, concerned, disappointed, hopeless, and empty. I had no idea what to do and I was unfocused for some time. Most of my friends thought that losing the job was to my advantage, and that it’s time to look for a better job that will take me further in my life and it will be something I will pursue for the long-term.

 

During the unemployment period, I had the chance to work or be involved in few projects that had no real direction. Though my unemployment period was frustrating and depressing, I learned few things about myself, and I enjoyed the freedom to choose, and be able to be idle to try new things.

During that period I lived with the unknown, I had no idea what the next day would bring, and though it sounds adventurous, I was anxious. I wanted to have a focused life, and be part of something stable.

And I did. I found a stable job that is ten times better than my previous dead-end job. It’s a new beginning, and now after few months, I feel more focused, comfortable, stable, ambitious, challenged and mostly lucky. I’m lucky that when a door closed an entire gate opened up for me, to give me stability and a better future.

And that’s a lesson I like to teach: never lose hope; you’ll always find the golden gate that will open wildly to welcome you to a new world of opportunities. All you need is to work on yourself, and be yourself.

Hamburg – 2017

Last week I returned from my trip to Germany. I would like to share some of the pictures I took (and edited using Instagram).

I fell in love with the city. Though it wasn’t a cheap city (compared to the rest of Germany), it was very lovely. It wasn’t very crowded like the rest of the big cities all over the world, and it was filled with water (lakes and rivers), and lots of green (trees and others). It has more bridges than Amsterdam, London and Venice all together. It’s beautiful, and we were lucky the weather was warm (and summer-like) to let us enjoy every part of our tourist adventure.

On Happiness

I tend to overthink about happiness, and how happiness can affect my life. I look at happiness as the main ingredient of a healthy life, and I do aim to obtain a healthy life, and a good life.

I want to live my life to the fullest, I want to do and achieve everything I desire on my own way. I aim to be happy, I want to be happy, and I simply want to be content and love living my life.

I always struggled with finding my own happiness, until I realized that I can’t carry on like happiness should be a result or an aim. But the more I live, and over think about the subject and look around me, and reflect on my way of living, I came to realize that I need to heal myself from all of my agonies and live a happy life, while the rest will simply tag along.

Someone once told me that I should think of money as a mean, not an aim (or an end) to succeed in life. I should add that the same goes for happiness, it’s a mean to a successful life, not an end.

 

The following video is not new, but I only came across it today, and I would like to share it as a clarification of what I just said.

Random Persecution. Simply because I’m an Arab.

Over the last three years I decided that I cannot keep posting any political posts on Facebook, especially on Facebook, since it’s the most exposed medium and can subject myself to persecution, or in worst cases I can be arrested for state security offense.

Surely you can sense a tone of exaggeration, why should I be arrested for expressing my trivial political views? Thing is, in Israel, you cannot whatsoever express your opinion when it’s against the state of Israel, even if it is completely insignificant.

So here I am, posting nothing on Facebook that implies to anything political, Palestinian, Israeli, or even Arab.

 

But I have an Arabic name, and between brackets I decided to write my name in Arabic أروى simply because no one can spell it right in Arabic.

Out of no where, I received the following messages from someone I’ve never heard before. His name is a Jewish name, I decided to cover it, because it’s not my business to expose him to the internet, but after a month of contemplation I decided to share it on my blog here (not on Facebook, because I don’t want to be harassed further. Regardless of how funny it sounds).

See below: the messages are written in Hebrew, and I took the liberty of translating them quite literally.

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My first reaction, and comments are/were:
1- I’m not married, and I’m pretty sure I won’t get a husband that would rape me every day, and I don’t think I can ever become a terrorist.
2- I’m not a whore, I don’t get dicks. Especially not from terrorists.
3- I’m not stinky, I shower everyday. And where do I look for another nation? where?

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who receives out-of-no-where messages like these. And I don’t even feel like defending anyone regarding this. I think the chat log I shares says it all.

But I can say one thing, if an Arab were to be an asshole and send a message like this to any Jew, he will be sent straight to prison.

A blog post (somehow personal)

It’s been awhile since I last posted anything in this blog. I have been neglecting my writing, and this explains why my writing is poor.

I’ve been going through a lot in the past few months that I’m contemplating whether I should share them in my blog. I haven’t been doing well when it comes to sharing private experience in public.I feel that this makes me feel weak.

Today is the international day of women. It’s the day of people’s greetings, and the pretentious statuses on Facebook (I did share one status two years ago, just to provoke some people around me including my mother). Regardless, what do women do today? Really? Write about injustice and chauvinism? Shouldn’t we talk about that all the time?

It’s like people forget there’s misjustice against women (and many other people,nations, animals, etc), and on a specific day alone, they start pretending to fight.

Why do I feel that I need to get myself out of all these places? Maybe I do need to log off the social media and start a life without the internet. But in doing so, I will lose access and exposure to all kind of programs, job opportunities and important events. This might sound ridiculous, but without Facebook, I wouldn’t be able to join the Scrip writing workshop, and I won’t be able to find a job as a research assistant and a director assistant. Other than that, I wouldn’t mind logging off Facebook. And no, I don’t have many connections outside of the social media to keep me posted on any kind of social and cultural events in town.

On another personal matter, I’m completely lost. I find myself wandering through my thoughts, and then still wondering why I can’t be more stable in my life.

The past few months haven’t been treating me well. I moved to a new apartment to endure the life with a roommate, and within two days I lost my job. With all honesty I can say I was having a dead-end job that meant nothing to me, but at least I was doing a good job, I had my own office, team and a decent salary at the end of the month that helped me live on my own, buy nice stuff, travel and save money at the same time. I was content.

Now I have no source of income, I have no source of direction, and I have no idea what I should be doing in order to gain control over my life. And all of my surroundings do not help me. No one cares, they all want me to find a job as soon as possible, and not any job, a stable job that I can be stuck at it for the rest of my life. Or maybe it’s just my mother. I do need a break from her. Everytime I go home, we fight, over and over. I can’t hold my temper when someone is pressuring me to do anything I can’t do. It’s the same with the obsessed-with-keeping-things-cleaned housemate, I can’t live in a place where I have to keep worrying about cleaning, and making sure everything is clean all the fucking time.

Today, late afternoon, I went to the University, which I haven’t been at for over four to five years. I must confess I was anxious. I was anxious to go to the university. Can you believe that? It’s has been years. But I would never go that far to the campus of the University of Haifa (though I live in the same city, the bus ride is extremely long), while having no business there.

I was invited for an introduction meeting for a new programme – a graduate programme for the theatre department. It’s a new programme and they’re introducing it to the Alumni of the theatre department. It was somehow interesting, it’s the first time they’re opening a graduate programme for the theatre department. Though I love this field of theatre, I found the programme unrelated to my future research field. I swore to myself that if I have to study anything in the future, it has to be inspiring and extremely, over-the-top interesting to me, or otherwise I would find it challenging, demanding and I will complain endlessly.

After the meeting I took a walk, a tour, at the university. It had been my home for four years, and I haven’t seen it in forever (five years are like forever to me). It was getting dark, but I enjoyed my walk in my favorite spots, including the library. Every spot brought me back to some memories, and flashbacks: some of them painful and ridiculous, the others are cheerful and nostalgic.

During my small tour, and on my way home, I thought about the new programme, and I thought about my other plans for my future studies. Even though everyone recommends studying abroad, I know I can’t afford it, and I don’t think I’m ready for any kind of scholarship. Getting a scholarship abroad requires more than I can offer, especially when I’m not quite certain about the field in question, and it means I won’t be able to work while studying.

Last year I thought about graduate studies in Films and Television. I thought if I can join this field, I can get into the whole movie business. But I spoke to my cousin (who is an Alumnus), and she advised against it. She said that if I want to learn film making, I have to force myself in the field itself, actively, rather than go to the university to study it.

Another graduate programme I’ve been thinking about for years is English Literature. I already have a BA in English Literature (combined with Theatre), and I enjoyed doing it,studying it, exploring it, and somehow excelling at it.

I wasted my time doing my teaching certificate for English, and for what? To teach? I don’t even want to be a teacher, at least not in schools. I must confess I do feel fulfilled while teaching, and I’ve tried teaching many times in my past. I would pursue it, but not in fucking schools. I simply hate going to school. Even as a teacher.

I would though consider teaching in the academy. It’s fascinating and challenging to teach something I absolutely love, and the more I think about it, I do love English Literature. I do enjoy researching literature: researching the psychological, philosophical and the historical aspects of the literary texts. Career wise, MA in English literature might lead to Ph.D, and that is lecturing at Universities. Or I can simply enjoy the benefit of having the opportunity to study English Literature further than just in BA.

I have few months to think about and apply.

In the meantime, I can continue working in the theatre, if the circumstances allow. And maybe I can try working in films as well, hoping that won’t jeopardize my near future studies.

I started writing this entry at the beginning of the day. I was frustrated, confused and anxious. My tour on campus today was therapeutic, and it led me think about my possibilities for next year, or the near future. It indeed helps taking a walk, going on a journey to the past. My journey, through the walls of the University, and the between the shelves of the library, made me think about my past experience, and my future experience, which contains more light than I imagined.

 

—- This is my first long post, and my first post about my private life. I usually write about my private life and feelings through poetry.

New year, nothing new

So the new year started yesterday. And so well it started: by a terrorist attack in Istanbul.

Isn’t it great? the way the new year starts?

We’re all hungover the next day, unable to do anything, but cope with the disastrous news of the expansion of terrorism through out Europe and the Middle East.

And yet, we keep on writing our very-much hopeful resolutions. Which none is resolved by the next year. Simply because we have too much going on and we have no say in anything.

So this hopeful new year has already started with terrorism, attacks, and there’s still war in the Middle East. Same old, as always.

Some people asked me “are you ready for the new year?” I so innocently responded with “It’s going to happen, whether I’m ready or not.” 2017 is just a number. Time is just a number anyway.

We can write resolution in May and still call them new year’s resolutions.

I decided to be vegetarian in September 2014, and I still am. That was the biggest resolution I kept. I didn’t have to wait for 2015 to start this lifestyle.

We can constantly make new resolutions that will make us better people, and we can only keep them if we truly believe in them and  want them as part of our lives. There’s one thing I learned from the book The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, which I read ten years ago: if I want something so badly, it will happen. Simply because I’ll find a way to make it happen, and somehow, nothing in the world can stop me.  And the same goes to my resolution, as long as they’re real to me, and I want them to be part of my life, I will find a way to make them happen. Now I’m working on becoming vegan. I can’t be part of the whole the animal product processing industries. I know I can do better than this.

I also decided to be healthy. I realized that good health is one of the main factors of well being, and living a fulfilled life. I want that. I want to be and remain healthy. Simply because I love myself and I want to take a good care of myself.

I also decided to be productive and focus on simply aims. For instance, I want to be a writer, therefore I’m looking for methods, whether by keep writing or taking lessons, to improve my writing skills. I need to be determined on this goal. Otherwise, time, which is someone made of combination of numbers, will just take its course on me and make me anxious.

I will also try to go to the gym more often.

It’s Christmas Today -a poem from 2012

Dear readers,

I would like to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy and hopeful new year.

I would like to take this opportunity to share a poem I wrote and share every single year on Christmas, just because it means a lot to me. I wrote it in times of agony and distress.

A lot has changed in the past 4 years, but still, this poem brings me back to those old times of desolation.

It’s Christmas today
There should be snow
There should be peace
harmony
and love.

Where is our great friend Santa?
coming from the far away land
to give us what we want
and what we need?

Where is our old and dear friend
Jesus Christ?
Who once came from the dead,
and promised to save our souls?
He is old enough now to keep his promises,
right?

Where is that day?
the twenty fifth of December,
that used to carry our jolliest dreams?

Where are our dreams?
Are they still lost in the fountain of time?
Or are they still stuck in our surrendered souls?

Where are our hopes, faith and passion?

It’s Christmas today.
No one wishes to be alone
yet no one wishes to be with the beloved ones.
There are no beloved ones.
We are alone…

It’s the end of our time.
The end of our eternity.
A new Millennium is to be born,
And our great Lord knows what it carries.

On this Christmas day,
We will leave our lands,
and join our enemies.

On this Christmas day,
we will leave our hopes and dreams
to join our godforsaken fate.

December 25th 2012

Unsent Letters

We all carry a package filled with feelings. Whenever we meet a certain person, fall in love, or even just like a person; romantically or platonically. Sometimes, even at work, or at school, or anywhere, we meet people, we build a certain kind of friendship, relationship or even hostility towards or with any certain person. We carry feelings: of hatred, disgust, disappointment, friendship, admiration, compassion, love, heartbreak, etc.

Sometimes, we fail to tell people how we feel. We find ourselves tongue tied, embarrassed, shy, afraid, or even angry, and we think of avoiding doing to do anything irrational.

We are unable to show them how we feel.

For my defense, I always say how I feel. At the exact moment, after a short while, or even after a very long while.
I’m old fashioned, I write letters. Pages of feelings, thoughts, and ramblings.
I send those letters, mostly via e-mail. And I wait…
For a response, understanding, compassion… or simply nothing.

I reached a stage where I can no longer say what I feel. Especially after considering the consequences. The fear of rejection,to be misunderstood, to be pitied, or even he fear of knowing the truth.

I end up writing letters, many letters, in my head, in my journal, in my “Drafts” e-mail folder, on papers, in my poems, on my blog, on my phone, anywhere, and I never send them. They’re never delivered. And that specific person I had my heart to utter, never received a word from me.

It’s like having the ability to sing, yet I’m too stage frightened I can never even dare to go up the stage and sing the music I love.

It’s scary… to keep those unsent letters. But I made a folder, in my head, to save all of them. And never ever having the courage to send them.

They will be part of my memory. My journal. I’ll look at them in ten years, and I’ll either delete them for good, burn them, or just just contemplate whether it’s too late to send them, at last.

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27, almost an adult (30)

In few days I’m turning 27. It’s 27, not 26 or 25. 27 is close to 30.

I mentioned before that I don’t care about age, and I even cannot wait to be 30. But somehow, thinking about turning 27, getting closer to 30, made me ponder over my age and who I am right now.

I’m 27, no longer young.

As far as the term “youth” is concerned, one can argue. Who is young? You can be 35 and still be considered young. And you can be 50 and people can also say “It’s so sad he died, he was so young – 50 years old.”

But in my world, I’m no longer a child. Looking around me, women in their late twenties are not young, and they all should get married and start a family. I’m way too far from that world. I’m not ready to take care of a pet, let alone my own offspring.

Maybe I’m not a children person, but that’s not what I’m mostly concerned about. I’m only concerned that I’m 27, and I still feel a child. In many senses: I don’t know what I want to do in the next 5 years, I have no real home, and I don’t feel that I’m doing what I should be doing. I always imagined that by the time I reach the age of 25 I would be on my way to lead a successful life.

I always imagined, dreamed and day dreamed that I will be something in my thirties, or even my late twenties. And I feel that I’m still the same person I was 10 years ago. I don’t even feel that I achieved anything. I look at my resume, and I still feel it’s empty, empty of success. I always imagined that I would be already a writer, an actress, a lecturer or even a business woman (not all at the same time of course) when I’m in my late twenties. And here I am, in my late twenties, nothing. Will I still be a nothing when I’m in my thirties?

I’m a loser. What is a “loser” person? in my own definition, a loser is someone who leads unsuccessful life and does not have many friends. How does that apply to my life?

1- I have a job. None of the mentioned above of course.

2- I’m planning a birthday gathering, because no one would ever hold a surprise party for me, and I was trying to invite everyone I’m a friend with. It took  me four days to make a list of people I was going to invite, some are close friends and others are not that close, and only five are coming. That somehow sums up my social life.

3- I have no love life. At all.

So, yes, I am a loser. And in three years I will be a thirty-year-old loser.

 

The love song of J. Asshole Profuck

Let us go then you and I
Where we left our hopes and dreams
getting drunk in that local bar
a friendly one, like most of them,
made us lose our conscious.

We can go outside and praise the sun
we can go to bed and forget the day
Yet, you need to wake up early
To leave me in peace
With my toys and all of my paint

You go out each night
To fuck around like a whore living in a park
You live in your own red light district
And then you drag me with you
Believing I belong to the darkness of your streets.

If I have to drink again
It will be without you
Provoking you to lie to me again
And again
Until your lies become my own reality
And your own as well.

The more you lie and make up things
You create our own reality
Filled with lies and dreams
Believing we belong together…
But the only place we belong together
is the one-night-stands
(all of them)
you imagine you had with me.

And indeed there will be time
to lie more and create
a world where you live in love
and passion
There will be time and there will be time
you will constantly say
until you realize that you have only said
there is no fucking time
for us to meet and clear everything
between us.

There will be time for me
to ask a question I never dared to ask
Do
I
Dare disturb your world again?
And I will.
I will disturb you till the end
because I’m obsessed
with everything you had with me
and everything I thought would happen.

You held my hands and said
“you’re beautiful.”
While we both know I looked pale
and wretched that night.

Yet, I believed you saw through me
and that beauty is what you,
and you alone,
can see.

But indeed there will be time
to believe again
and dream again and again
that you died and had finally gone.
There will be time
to live again and be content
far away from you.

May, 2016

(some phrases in the poem and even the title are based on/inspired by expressions from The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock. by T.S. Eliot.)

 

Haifa from the airplane

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A picture I took from the airplane while flying over the city of Haifa.

I’ve lived, worked, studied, lived again, grown, and loved in this city.

Even though it’s not my hometown, it is my home.

Bar Bahar/ In Between – a film by Maysaloun Hamoud

I haven’t seen this film yet, though I’ve heard it received good reviews, and for once the Arabic woman stereotype is broken. For god’s sake, people around the world think that Arab women are supposed to be of one kind, but in this film, as it appears in the trailer, Arab women can live on their own, party, be successful, and still be women, just like any other woman in the whole world.

I can’t wait to watch this movie. It sounds great, maybe you should also watch it. Plus, my good friend Shaden is in it.