I wrote before about being suffocated by many things in my life. I spoke about being suffocated by society, by traditions, by patriarchy, by Zionism, and by occupation.
This time I have something different that suffocates me. Something that should in fact liberate me, or make me a great human being.
I try to be the kind of person that pursues things and aims to develop in the world. I have developed greatly over the past ten years, in a way that I am fucking proud of. I managed to live the life I somehow aimed for. I managed to find a job in a field that is by all means out of my league. And I can’t imagine a better job for someone like me.
But no, I can’t enjoy this stage. Because my surrounding does not find that satisfying. At every level you get, you have to always rise higher. I’m not even referring to those who completely ignore my success and ask me when I’m getting married, but I’m referring to those who believe that I should carry on and keep progressing.
It sounds like I’m complaining about something that is, by all its definition, great. But it suffocates me.
Development is great, but I’m tired. I’m satisfied. I need a break. I need to rest.
I’m doing the best I can at my job, I always work, I’m always on time, I work harder, and learn more and keep going, I fight pressure, and I succeed. I want to retain my position, and perhaps develop in the field. But I don’t want this to be my concern, or anyone’s concern.
On daily basis, I meet people, and they only speak about progress: “Perhaps you should look for a better job.” / “Perhaps you should go to the university and do a second degree.” / “Perhaps you should go study abroad.” / “Perhaps you should open your own business.” / “Perhaps you should teach.” / “Perhaps you should keep developing.” ETC.
It never fucking ends. People talk about progress, and development. They believe that a person must always keep developing, and must always look for more opportunities. It’s like, if you have a full time job, you must do something afterwords that consists of either studying for an advanced degree, or having an additional job elsewhere.
Apparently, being lazy after an exhausting day is out of the question. And instead of resting on the weekend, clean and do your laundry, we must be doing something additional, like another job, or studies. Because, you’re not allowed to rest, or Heaven forbids, be a housewife (even if you live alone).
You must constantly evolve. Like a Pokemon. Otherwise, you’re a disgrace to society, to womanhood, and even worse, to yourself. You must keep learning, and doing more, because that’s how things work nowadays, we must keep going.
Note: I didn’t want to mention this, but many married women talk about their great accomplishments, while they live off the money of their husbands. Since they don’t really need to work, they engage in many activities that don’t put them under pressure to keep their jobs. And yet, they preach about work, careers, and to passionately keep evolving.
In the meantime, I’m going to have either a donut with coffee, or just a drink after I’m off from work today. And I might be doing that for the next month or two. As for the weekend, I’m spending it on Netflix. How does that sound?