Christmas 2015

It has been years, and nothing has changed. Nothing is new to brag about it. And nothing is significant to fulfill that hole I have been carrying for years. I carry many holes, my soul is hollow and I have no plans or milestones to fill them with.

I waste my time looking for materials, I’m becoming more materialistic than before, and I look at things that meant nothing to me few years ago. I am constantly changing, becoming a monstrous figure in a classic horror story. I look at myself in the mirror and I am afraid. Mainly afraid that things will get worse.

I wake up every day, with no change. No big decisions and no real excitement. I go out and spend all my days going about the things that do not matter, at all.

I wake up this Christmas, hollow. It’s another year in the second decade of this new millennium. Time goes on, more rapidly than before. I constantly keep looking for things that do not matter, and I constantly keep comparing my life to people who do not matter, not even a tiny bit, and not even at all. I look for escapades in places that are aimless, and I fulfill my thoughts with haphazard adventures. All of them are empty, and never to be fulfilled.

And just one more week left for the year 2016, and then there will remain four years till the tear 2020. And none of us is getting any younger. I’m wasting my significant years on idleness. I’m not taking actions for the years to come, I’m only thinking about them. What are my thoughts good for?

In short, I am afraid. That all of my agonies will end, with nothing accomplished. And I will be another tragic story of unfulfilled dreams and disappointment. I didn’t grow up for these things. I didn’t live all these years, to be a nobody. I didn’t grow up to keep comparing my life to others, and then go to sleep, hating everything I do, or I don’t do.

On this Christmas day, I must start being  more realistic and practical, While taking the chance to dream and design those dreams to become part of who I am and my reality.

In the meantime, Bah Hambug.

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