Emptiness

With my morning cup of coffee I reflect on feelings- on everything I felt yesterday and the day before. I find myself looking deep into that bitter yet fragile soul.

I take another sip. It’s sweet. Less sugar starting tomorrow.

I look at the half opened window and all I can see from this angle the green leaves of the jacaranda, dancing delicately with the morning breeze. What a lovely day to go out.

And here I am, sitting in a room – entirely my own, for this morning. Taking another sip of that sweet coffee that starts to feel bitter.

Again, I reflect on the feelings I had yesterday, and the day before. I was dramatic, passionate and aggressive.

As for today, I’m empty. I feel nothing. I feel neutral. I feel neither miserable nor calm.

Empty. But not for the next few hours, or the next few days.

#PrayForGaza

#PrayForGaza , a popular hashtag all over the internet that asks people to pray for Gaza. Yes, pray for Gaza, and “you don’t have to be a Muslim to pray for Gaza, you simply need to be human.” Gaza needs too much support and apparently, prayers.

I once tweeted:

I felt a bit weird about this tweet afterwards; why am I criticizing people who find solace in praying? Maybe their prayers are indeed answered, and if not now, then maybe in the near future. Maybe it’s the only thing to do, pray – for peace. Don’t you all do that before going to sleep:  praying for world peace and no more innocent people to die?

Well, I don’t do that. I don’t pray. I’m an atheist. And one of the flaws I’m working on is never to criticize those who pray, believe and find themselves through faith and religion. I try not to criticize, even though, deep within I do criticize those, I mainly criticize religions and people’s obsession with God. I always believed that the diversity in religions separates people. And maybe for once people should start removing these religion barriers as one step towards humanity.

I do however envy those who believe. I wish I can find a way back to believing (I was a believer once). While everyone is praying for Gaza, I’m just crying for Gaza – I’m writing for Gaza. And sometimes I wonder, can I, an atheist, find a way to pray?

Perhaps I missed the whole concept of faith and beliefs. Perhaps God is not that supreme powerful being, but it is mainly a concept of humanity that I cannot myself apprehend or relate to. I do believe in many things though: I believe in freedom, love, creation, knowledge, goodness, happiness, and many more, but I never thought I should believe in one supreme powerful being. I don’t want to worship anything, and I cannot pray.

But maybe it’s time to learn how to pray. For Gaza. For humanity and goodness.

 

Time to stop?

As you might have noticed my last ten posts where only for the war on Gaza. I never imagined myself writing posts on my blog that are dedicated for politics, I have always been away from the political situation in the country. I always found disinterest in politics and political activities. Those who know me in real life know that about me. Over the years I have grown to be more aware of the political situation, even though I have never been an activist.

Over the past two years I started growing that interest. I never fully confessed that I want to be interested in every political activity. I simply became interested in what I found relevant to me and to others.

I suppose it has nothing to do with where you live, your nationality, or origin. It’s simply knowing the truth – the actual reality of me, my surroundings and so many other people. I never felt compelled to share  online so many articles, videos, news and photos that reflect this reality unless the material is heavy and makes a great impact. And this month I thought I was going mad.

I stopped sharing posts on Facebook for security reasons. Taking risks right now is not high on my list. I do however share too much on this blog. Taking risks here feels better than Facebook or any other social network. But maybe I’m wrong, and I should stop writing.  A friend suggested I keep a private diary.

I actually thought of deactivating my Facebook account for a while. I don’t want to feel compelled to share my opinion and put my life and future at risk. I’m also constantly overwhelmed by the posts that are shared there that I’m addicted to following them, reading them, express my thoughts and even share them. And I’m tired of the expressed racism on FB that I can’t help by report ever now and then. What do you think? Should I deactivate my FB account? at least for now, till it’s all over? I really need someone’s opinion on that.

A thousand candle for a thousand martyr

Ever since the genocide started in Gaza almost three weeks ago, hundreds of civilians are dying every day. Yes, we’re counting, and they’ve reached 1390 last time I checked today. Almost 1400 martyrs and around 8000 injured. I don’t know about you, but this number torments me. These aren’t just numbers, these are souls of people, of individuals, who fought for years for their freedom, and what do they get? called terrorists and massacred.

Last night in Nazareth, to commemorate the souls of all the martyrs in Gaza,  we lit candles and put them in bags that carry the name of each martyr. Each one of us held one bag and stood across the street by Mary’s Well.  Because each martyr has a name, a soul, a story, childhood and beloved ones.

I’m proud of everyone who participated yesterday.

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Child of Gaza – Surviving the cut

Originally posted on absarr writer:

10462666_10102337290478062_2296416502120422988_n The sun is about to rise, but you are still asleep.

This sensation of calmness and peace you are feeling is surreal. Everything around you seem to exist only because you want it to. Your feelings seem to be accentuated. This sensation of joy going through you, despite its good feeling, seems uncomfortable. As if it wasn’t supposed to be there. As if you shouldn’t be able to feel that way. But why?

In the background you hear the calling for the prayer. You open your eyes and you realize why, it was a dream.

You wake up, take a shower and prepare for the first prayer of the day. You lay your mat and implore the skies has if it was for the last time. Who knows, it might be.

Usually when you step outside you see children playing, running on the streets on their way to school. Today…

View original 136 more words

With a piece of coal

I check her profile everyday, every hour, to see if she’s okay. Every time she posts something, I’m relieved, that she’s fine – alive.

I send her messages, asking if she’s okay, if she’s safe. I have nothing further to say except to take care of herself and be safe. What am I supposed to do.

Every time she posts something new, she’s closer to danger. And this is the last thing she posted – a drawing she made, in these horrific circumstances :

10532639_817488114948272_5106316531994732882_o It comes with a caption: “with a brown crayon and a piece of coal I found ..I don’t know where the coal came from I guess from the house bombed next door …”
And she later added:  “it’s an every day picture in Gaza …a mom’s last look or last embrace or last goodbye”

The voice of Palestine

You voraciously craved for me,
even before you met me,
you were eager to claim me.

You grabbed me by the hand,
and dragged me with you.
You started disrobing me
while I resisted.
You had more power
and there you told me
you’re entitled to possess me.
It is your right, you claimed.
After all these years
you had the right
To possess my whole body
and soul.
All of me
for yourself alone

I fought back -
I struggled and resisted.
You called me ungrateful
and ungracious
You called me violent and barbaric,
brutal,
wicked,
and monstrous.

You took my clothes off –
all of them.
you chained me
and started thrashing
all over my body.
I tried to resist.
Stranded,
I could not fight back.

I shouted
you silenced me
you blocked my voice
you took me by force
abused me
and raped me.

You imprisoned me
for all these years,
constantly raping me.

After all these years
I am still alive
despite of all your brutal abuse
I am still alive
Breathing,
fighting
and resisting.
Yet every time I resist
you call me a savage,
a brutal savage that needs to be tamed,
or better yet, slaughtered

Every time I turn around crying for help,
all those people take your word
and call me a savage
Some of them rape me in their turn.

You have humiliated me
raped me
silenced me
deprived me of my voice ,
my freedom
and my soul

Now I dare you,
to divest me of
my courage
and my pride.

Little did you know,
I will keep fighting
and resisting.

July 22, 2014

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A letter from Palestine

Originally posted on Daliya Falasteen:

Dear World,

I know you don’t have a check point next to your house

And that you don’t have to carry an ID on every step you make.

I know that you are not forbidden from the sun nor the sea

And that  you are not forbidden from living or either visiting your place of birth.

I know you don’t know what a refugee camp is

And that you have never experienced that confusion of what is more important to hold with when you forcibly leave your home.

I know your kids can play, sing, dance the way they want

And that the chances of them being killed while doing so is merely  none.

I know you have electricity, water, health, schooling and all livelihood necessities

 and that pain barely knocks your door.

I know you might have never seen blood but on TV,

And that you none of your…

View original 443 more words

Heaven knows I tried

I have some Israeli friends on Facebook. I have known them from the University days, they were nice people and we were friends. We haven’t maintained our friendship for long, but I still have most of them appear as friends on Facebook. My Facebook isn’t entirely private. This blog is much more private than my Facebook, and still open for everyone to read, comment and share.

Ever since the recent events in Gaza, I have seen many posts from those Israeli “friends of mine”on Facebook expressing solidarity with Israel. And whenever they see brutal pictures of children being massacred in Gaza, they immediately blame Hamas for being hardcore terrorists using children as shields. Basically that’s what their media tells them. And then surely their media also emphasizes that Israel warns people in Gaza before striking their houses.

Let me clear some things:
Hamas does not use children as shields. Main reason civilians in Gaza die (women, men, elderly and children)is because they have no idea where to go, they don’t have shelters and they can’t leave Gaza. Either they have to surrender or keep resisting. Or, either they have to escape or die as martyrs – and they can’t escape.
As for warning before striking – how would you feel if someone just called you and said “Okay, so I’m going to strike and destroy your home. Leave it if you don’t want to die.” People have no where to go and it would hurt them to leave all their belongings and memories behind in ruins. If the Israelis don’t want to kill people and wish to warn them before firing, why even bother striking from the first place? Israel just wants to appear as the innocent child that is acting good and only wants to defend himself from bullies. What bullies?

You can skip the next part, I’m going to repeat what I said in my earlier posts: I was never a fan of Hamas (or any Islamic/religious movement), but if they are a resistance movement and I support resistance, and that’s what they’re doing now, resisting. Can’t they have the right to resist the occupation and the siege on Gaza? And you don’t have to be a Palestinian to have the heart to support Palestine and be anti-Israel or anti-Zionism. There are a lot of people around the world (many of them are Jews) who do not support the state of Israel, are they anti-Semitics? You do know that Palestinians are among the Semitics groups as well?

Back to my Israel “friends” on Facebook. I tried to restrain myself, I truly tried, until today. I saw a picture of someone posting a picture that says “Burn my flag, steal my land, boycott my products, refuse to recognize me, create lies about me,… deny my right to pray… but I am here to stay, I am Israel.” Heaven knows I tried, I wrote something, and hit the backspace button, and then I couldn’t hold myself and wrote a comment. I’ve had it. I couldn’t tolerate such folly and ignorance. Are you kidding me! Who stole the land? and from whom? Who refused to recognize whom? And who denied whose right to pray?

I know I acted irrationally, posting a comment to such ignorance. But I couldn’t restrain myself.

You might ask me why I don’t remove those “friends” from my Facebook. Well, to whom do you think I post all these articles exposing the real terrorism of Israel? to my Palestinian friends who already know the truth? or to the brainwashed ignorant Israelis or other people all over the world, who are too blind to see the actual truth?

Oh, and you’d like this: Bombing of Gaza children gives me “orgasm”: Israelis celebrate slaughter on Facebook

I repeat this: I have seen some hatred from the Palestinian side (and with a good reason), but I have never in my life witnessed such hatred and radical racism from the Israeli side. Never.

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